Love Without Spoiling
- Posted by MetropolisMom on August 4th, 2008 filed in Smart Parenting, Toddlers
Image by www.illustrationsof.com
Most parents including me say things like, “ I have so little time to spend with my daughter, so I feel I owe it to her to give her what she wants,” or “My parents hardly paid any attention to me, and I felt rejected. I won’t do that to my child.” Such guilt-tinged comments demonstrate how hard it is to draw the line between indulging a child and spoiling him.
You might want to ask yourself a few questions: Do you melt at the sight of tears or feel like a bad parent whenever your child is unhappy?
Are you afraid of losing your child’s love if you do not give in most of the time? Do you feel unable to deny your child anything? If you answered yes to any of these three questions, you are caught in what I call the “Happiness Trap.”
Although you may be motivated by the best of intentions, gratifying every single one of your child’s desire sends him a terrible message: You are easily manipulated. A child who gets everything he wants isn’t necessarily happier. In fact, children feel much more secure when parents set clear boundaries and stick to their decisions.
It is crucial to remember that children cannot recognize the difference between their wants and their needs. That’s something that we must do for them – even when it makes them temporarily unhappy.
As parents, we have other jobs besides that of being our child’s good fairy. Of course, denying a child a pleasure is not exactly one of parenthood’s more satisfying tasks. Your child is never going to say, “Oh, thank you, mommy, for not buying me that toy.” But a disappointed child is not the same as an unhappy child.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:26 am
This is where God’s wisdom can always come in handy. We must balance between the needs of our children and our own feelings of inadequacy towards them when we cannot spend much quality time with them. Showering them with material things to compensate for our lack of quality time with them may turn them into material seekers who will run berserk when the material thing they seek can no longer be provided by their parents. Leading them to God’s truths and promises will solve this problem. Thanks for the post. God bless.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Hi Mel,
I agree with you. Anything that is in excess is always bad. Quality time and proper balancing our priorities as parents should be our out most priority.
Visit me again here! Cheers!
metropolismom
August 5th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
“But a disappointed child is not the same as an unhappy child”. This is the lesson that took me longest to learn. I guess that you can say that “I’m ‘over it’ now!” You are correct when you say that quality time and proper balancing should be our priority. Good for you! - Nards
August 6th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I believe this should come as common sense to all parents. Giving in to your child’s every desires or most desires in turn can spoil your child. So while we may feel great because we’re making them happy by buying every toy they want for example, we’re actually molding them to be the young children we say throwing tantrums in public because they aren’t getting something they want.
Great post!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
This is a great post that many parents need to read. Not to mention my mother in law!
Material things such as toys, ect. will not replace any time lost. By giving into every thing a child wants can often cause them not to appreciate what they do have and turn them into very spoiled children very fast.
I have 4 children and have never given into every want from my children. I do love to give them the things they ask for, however when I can do so.
Many times when parents feel the need to “buy” their child happiness, the parents could actually offer much more just by offering more quality time with the child. Material items will never replace time lost no matter how much you give in.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
@Nards
Nice to see you back here Nards! To be honest, I am also juggling with this whole quality time with the little one and job.
See you again here girlfriend ;)
Love lots!
Metropolismom
August 17th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
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