Saying No Is Proof Of a Toddler’s Individuality
- Posted by MetropolisMom on June 20th, 2008 filed in Smart Parenting, Toddlers
Photo by www.bbc.co.uk
I can’t count the number of times I’ve had a conversation with a concerned parent that goes roughly like this:
Parent: I can’t understand it. My child and I have had a wonderful time together until just lately. Now he resists doing anything that I want him to do. Let’s get dressed. “No!” We have to go now. “No!” I even ask him if he wants some ice cream. “No!” We’re constantly in a power struggle. Sometimes I think he is trying to drive me crazy!
Me: Is your child around 18 months old?
Parent: Why, yes. How did you know?
I know because there are two times in a child’s life when saying no and fighting parents’ wishes are most prevalent. One, as we all know, is during adolescence. The other is between 15 to 30 months.
What is interesting to me is that at both of these ages, the child resists his parents for more than less the same reason. Like the adolescent, the older toddler is trying to define himself by showing that he can be different from his parents, that he doesn’t have to go along.
Parents often misinterpret their toddler’s “no.” Practically every parent has been bewildered by the experience of offering a doll, receiving a resounding “No!” and seeing her child playing with the same doll tem minutes later.
Maybe the best way to understand it is to realize what “no” does not mean to a child this age. It very rarely means that he doesn’t want to do what is being asked, or that he doesn’t like the food, toy, activity, or whatever it is that has just been offered to him.
If you take “no” too seriously and imagine that your child is showing a strong preference or voicing a deeply help opinion, you will be creating frustration for yourself.
The other thing that “no” doesn’t signify is that your toddler is out to “push your buttons.” To take his resistance personally is to miss the point of it; his screaming rejection of everything has little to do directly with you. Your child’s motivation is to figure out – and, in a way, to create- where his sense of identity start and your influence leaves off.
Read More About the effects of shaming a toddler here.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:26 am
This is so true. I think about that each time I disagree with my childen. It is sometimes hard to let them grow up and find a balance with the word “no” in the meantime.
I am not sure how I linked to your blog. I like it.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
@Tammy Warren,
Thanks for visiting Metropolismom. You can subscribe to my feed or just enter your email address on the upper right side bar to make sure you will not be missing any of my recent posts. You words made me feel good today.
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Cheers!
Metropolismom